A FULL MOON

I have been so blessed in the last few months,actually longer,but things have really started to come together for me in this last year.I don't have a job right now,I'm working on getting my disability.My back is in pretty bad shpe as well as my right hip and left shoulder.Keeping a job is impossible for me now.So,I have searched the internet for ways in which to make money.Last week I made money everyday.Not hundreds or even thousands,but enough to keep myself going and buy things that I need.It took me almost 6mos. before I started making any money from doing surveys,but once I started making money,it has continued.I get checks at least 3xs a week.And I don't know anyone who will refuse a check or money.I'm not going to get rich by any means,but I've got alot of freebies,money and gift certificates from these sites.I never pay to get on a survey,no one should ever pay money to anyone in order to get on a survey site.If they ask you to pay,it's a scam,get off the site FAST!!!!I found all the sites on my own,I just started surfing one day and boom,I was signing up for surveys.It took almost 3 monthe before they really started to send me surveys, so be patient.I've been asked to test dog food,cat litter,lotion,shampoo and conditioner,food products,and cleaning products.Like I've said,I have made enough to keep money in my bank account and keep my dog in food and treats as well as treats for myself.If you read this and your intrested in signing up for any of the survey sites,email me at google and I'll send you in the right direction.The photo of the moon is to show that I'm blessed and also that it's a new day for me and my life.Aday full of satisfaction.

Pollution and the Sunset

The sky is'nt as clear as it was when I was a child,pollution has done a number on the view of the mountians.In winter you could see the snow on the sierras from my bedroom window.It looked so close,like I could walk to them from my house.It was alot farther than a 10yr. old could walk.But when you are a child everything and anything is possible.Now,the smog and dirt from the farms in the valley,have made the view yellow/brown.As I look at all the fantastic sunsets,I reliaze that the colors are so dazzling because of all the garbage in the air.So,it's not a natural beauty,instead it's based on fossil fuels and cow gasses that makes the sky so beautiful.That is so very sad.

ON THE STREETS

This is how my brain feels,crowded.By what?By all the things going on in my life right now,working on my SSI,finding money for the clinic every month,feeding myself and Gracie..... and on and on... Things could be alot worse,I could be where I was 3yrs. ago,strung out,depressed to the point of crying jags at inappropriate times,panic attacks so bad I refused to leave the house,and becoming homeless.Things sure were alot easier when I was younger.I lived on the streets for most of 10 years.I'd get a place to stay for a few days,every once in a while,nothing was ever permanant and at that time that was ok.I valued my freedom,being able to come and go as I pleased,doing whatever I wanted to do.No one,certianly no man,has ever been able to tell me what I could or could'nt do,I did what I wanted and if you did'nt like the arrangement,well, there's the door...Just the fact that I'm still alive when I got myself into situations of kidnap,torture,rape and beatings I'll never know.The numerous times I o.d'd,went to G-ward,jail then prison,all this before the age of 25.At 25 I'd lived 5 lifetimes.I'm not going to say I was lucky,because luck had nothing to do with it,Creator and my spirit guide were watching my back,and I kept them pretty busy.At 13 I was in China Town at 3am scoring dope,with 300$ I"d made at the labor camps.It never occured to me to be scared,I knew who to ask for help in finding the dope man,winos always knew where all the vice was and for 2 or 3 dollars they would take me to the best dope.I use to just walk the streets at night,too young to rent a motel room and refusing to trust anyone enough to ask for help in getting a place to sleep.I'd have to wait and hope that I'd get a john who would rent a room,then I would be able to get some sleep.It was alot easier in the late 70's.Now,I would never do half the things I did back then.To be continued.....

finding happiness again

You could have been a famous Artist


Who Were You in a Past Life?

Brought to you by Tickle

Was I so bad as a kid?

I've got 5 daughters and 2 son's.My son's have seemed to adjusted to adulthood quite easily.Well,as easily as can be expected for this day and age.But my girls,well that is a whole different story.For some reason everyone of my girls have gone through a period of total selfishness and acting like they are God's gift to the world.They could careless what anyone else is feeling,all that matters is what is happening in thier world.My oldest is 29 and she hates my guts,although she has never taken the time to really get to know me,or anyone else for that matter.My second child,also a girl,is probably the worst of the bunch,although my last daughter is running a close second.My 4 older girls were not raised with my youngest daughter,s I've got to assume that the rottenness they possess must be genetic.Where else could it have come from.?I had hoped that my youngest daughter was different.WRONG!!To have given life to such self-centered,selfish,egotistical human beings makes me feel like a total failure.I tried to teach my kids right from wrong,compassion and respect for others,those lessons seem to have totally back-fired on me.All my girls are exceptional good looking,on the outside,on the inside it is another story.They are habitual liars,manipulaters,selfish and unsympathtic to anyone ,except themselves.I do not like my daughters,and people may think that cold,but as human beings,my daughters have failed miserablely.I cannot stand to be around three of them,I'm hoping my third daughter does not become the rotten human being that her sisters have become.I just feel so very sad that I have faied as a parent.I can only look back at how I was as a kid,and assume that I was probably just as bad if not worse than they are.What else can I think?They got the rottenness from somewhere,and I'm sure they got more than 50% from my genes.It it a crime to not like your children?If it is than I am guilty.

GETTING HIGH IS KNOCKING AT MY DOOR

To say the last few days have been hectic would be a major understatement.Yesterday I turned 45,and at this point in time I feel every year of the 45 years.I went on a xanax binge last week,it's been over 3 years since I got loaded and with all the crap going on right now,I felt I needed a break.I'm a guest at my daughters house and the leaese just ran out ,so it's time to move.And it will be this weekend.I've already been given the "find my own place"lecture.And believe me,I wish I did I have my own place.I've NEVER,EVER had to stay at anyone else's house,and I'm so depressesd about the whole situation that I'm in that wanting to go and get high is really tapping me on the back.I've got the money,but I've also got a responsonsibility to my baby Gracie.She's my world,and I'm not going to let a couple of hours of getting hihg,let me lose this dog.Gracie has literally saved my life the last few years,and I owe her alot more than she owes me.Waking-up in the morning with her lay at the end of the bed is the best feeling in the world,NO MAN,CAN EVER,take her place.

MOVING

IT HAS ONLY BEEN HALF A DAY,AND THUINGS ARE NIT WORKING OUT TO MY ADVANTAGE.LIKE,WHERE ARE gRACIE ANE i GOING TO LIVE FIR THE SUMMER?UNDER A TREE I'M ASSUMING,WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR ME,BUT GRACIE HAS NEVER LIVED OUT IN THE ELEMEMNTS,AT ALL.I'M SO AFRAID FOR HER THAT MY OWN SURVIVIAL IS TOTALLY MENACEING.I love this dog more then life itself and to make her happy and feel secure,I'm just about willing to kill myself just to make sure she is ok.NEVER,EVER,IN THIS LIFE TIME WOULD WANT FOR anything.IF IT;S TO THE TREES WE GO THEN SO BE IT.AS LONG AS WE ARE TOGETHER.

ever so slowly I'M making progreaa!!!!!!woooooo!!hooo!!

I am an OLD SOUL,and because of that I have a tendency to see and hear things that other people don't.Right now there is an entity that likes to show themselve at the most inoppritune times.I've gotten use to sleeping with the T.V. on.I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep while I write this,so GOODNITE ALL...........................

TILL THE LONLINESS IS ALL YOU KNOW,OR WANT

I have battled with depression most of my life,and at one point,it became my one and only friend.It's easy for people to say "it's all in your head"or ,this one is great,"all you need are a few friends".YOU BECOME "TRAPPED"in this "bubble".And you can't fight or cut or tear through yhis bubble.And the worst part is ,after a while,you don't want to get out.You just want to be alone,to revel in all the feelings of lack of self-worth,the feelings of total failure,at YOUR OWN hands.living does'nt seem to be an option for me anymore.For the last month or so,people have been following me,one woman has a child,and they are dressed in 1880's style,then thre is a guy dressed like the 80's skateboarders,there are quite a few that I've seen lately.And the major thought that comes to my mind is,that they are here to take me "home".It scares me,but it also excites me.I want to go on thi journey,I'm so very ready.But,what happens to GRACIE?

IS DEATH WAIYING ARONUND THE BEND?

THIS WHOLE WEEK HAS BEEN AN up and down.I'm finally getting into see the headdocter,and then SATURDAY i SEE THE internest.I'v started to see and hear people again.Most of them don't say anything,thye just watch and it's unnerverving.I've got to lay-down,I sleep-walk at

Learning to live WITHOUT

I'm already on the verge of COPD.I've already had a few instant's of not being able to breathe.And it's the worst feeling in the worl.You try to catch you breathe,try to take a deep breathe and when it does'nt happen,it literally scares you senseless.I have'nt had an attack in well over 3mos.But,I do have a inhaler with me at all times.I'm not going to get dependent on it.The best thing for me to do is,QUIT smoking.And as of this point in time,24hrs.,I have not had one cigrette and I honestly don't want one.I am tired,so,I'll probably go in and take a nap in a little while.I just want to be able to walk and talk without gasping for breathe.Besides the fact that it's costing me 6.00 everyday for a pac a smokes.And my daughter is bumming off me,yesterday she smoked my last cigerrette.I was pretty ticked off, you NEVER, take anyones last smoke.So,that's another reason I'm giving ttit up.5-6$$ everyday is just too damn much,and she never buys a pack,I'm the one spending the money.I want to spend my money on better things.

Lost in a Crowd

It's not east to always stand out in a crowd.Personally I detest crowds,I get very uptight,and I tend to panic.I've just always liked to be around people I know and trust,I'm able to be myself at those times.After I was hit by a car 2yrs. ago,I could'nt even walk out of my house,it was just to much for me.I tried to push myself to do things that were way out of my comfort zone.One thing that came out of the car accident was my total rejection of drugs.I t just was'nt appealing to me anymore.I have yet to make ant friends,but that is due to my inabity to trust.I'm working on it,it's just going to take it slow.Most of the time I just sit in the house and dream.It's a work in progrees.

LOST IN THE CROWD

All my life I have struggled to remain lost in the crowd,most because of the eye defect I was born with.It looks like a lazy eye,but in reality it is caused by paraleized muscles in y right eye.As a child I was of course,teased to tears.One boy in paticular made it his life goal to make me feel retarded and ugly.His name was Brian and he was in my 7grade homeroom.I really tried to avoid him but this "monster"would go out of his way to insult me and he would make sure that he had an audience.I had such a complex about my eye,that I would walk around the hallways around school with my head down and a very mean look on my face.Up until that point in my life I had no clue that one humanbeing could be so cruel and heartless.He still lives in this community,but from news programs I've learned that he is still harrassing people.So, he has learnsd nothing.I let him and quite a few others almost totally destroy my life.They convinced me I was ugly and abnormal.But luckily for me,I grew up and out of there thoughts and words of me.They are all losers now,"what goes around,comes around.I can say that my life is happy.I doubt they can say the same abut there's

Learning to live on the streets

You would think that it would be oh so easy to live on the streets.Living on the streets means no ATM card,hell,no bank account at all.No bathroom,washing machine,and definitly no T.V..You are out in the elements.So,it's best to find a hiding place,somewhere you can go to rest and relax without the fear of a cop walking up on you or a store owner calling in on you.I always found a spot by the freeway,plenty of trees and bushes,you can usually clean out all the dead leaves and make yourself invisable in the trees.I use to hang my food from one of the trees,if you left it on the ground ants would take over in a matter of minutes.One night I was awakened at 3or 4am by an oppossum in the tree where I'd hung my food.That animal kept me awake until sunrise.No,he never got the food but it was'nt from lack of trying.After that I learned to leave a few rolls and pieces of bread away from my 'camp".I was never afraid to sleep out alone.I never,and this is a major rule,let anyone know where you sleep.It" just not done,and it's a no-no to ask.

The Pity Look

What the pity look is for a homeless person is ,being filthy,unshaven,torn and loose clothing.I will admit that on some days I would look worse than others.You've seen the homeless help signs,I did it,and it was very profitable at times.At first I'll admit I was reluctant to stand on the corner of a major street,holding a sign that begged for money and or food.But,it only took one time,when I got 160.00 for one car.Not all days were like that,but more than most.At first I thought that it was because I was a female,not so.Alot of the guys "flying"signs would also make out pretty well on most days.The "pity" look did not work very well for me,it seemed the dirtier I was the less cash I recieved.On those days that I "hit"big,I'd take off ,leave the scene.I t was considered bad karma to stay at a place you recieved a generous hit,and try for more money.Things generally went downhill for me if I tried to be greedy.It only took one time to show me that you give thanks for the great amount of money and take a long break.I always prayed before I went out,and I always gave thanks for my windfall.I remeber one day having one of my bad days.I had been standing at a freeway exit for over an hour and still had not gotten a dollar,traffic was building up for the 5pm rush hour,about 20 cars back I saw a hand wave to me,when I got up to the car,an asian man opened his wallet and gave me everything.You NEVER count your money out in traffic or on the street,you find a place to have privacy.I had seen a few one;s,so I was figuring 15 or20 dollars.It was 258.00.I was able to rest for 2days and buy food and a pair of good tennis shoes.

Where do I sleep ?

When I first became homeless it was to say the least,a little frightening.I had no idea what living on the streets entailed.I knew that I needed to find a safe place to sleep,somewhere hidden and off the beaten path.There were'nt too many women in the area of town that I deceided to stay in.In the town that I live in the freeway runs right thru the middle ,it seemed to me that sleeping amoung the tree's right off of the freeway would be safe.I could become invisable in all the different bushes and trees.You could make a "cubby hole" in these bushes,and be hidden from view.I quickly got use to the constant traffic noise,I could handle anything,I felt safe.I had my own bedroll,my backpac with some clothes and my hygiene items.Most of the homeless in my area were men.And in order to let them all know that I was not to be bothered,I refused to strike up a friendship on the first several meetings,I wanted to draw that "line",that told them I was not afraid or intimidated by anyone.I think because of this tactic,the friendships I did cultivate were based on a mutual respect.I was a woman,but even though I was homeless,I did not let myself "go".Water is everywhere,and a bar of soap is only 75 cents.Most of the guys stay dirty for the pity effect.Not because they wanted to be dirty.

Do You Recoil At The Sight Of A Homeless Person?

Not all of us are lucky enough to have family that genuinly cares about them.I lived on the streets for over 7yrs. so,I think I'm able to comment on this subject with some authority.I chose to live on the streets because I felt that it would be preferrable to living under someone else roof and all that goes with it.I have always valued my freedom,and being on the streets gave me that freedom.I have seen first hand the waste that goes on.Supermarkets throwing out foods that could have fed a couple of families daily.Bread,muffins,donuts,veggies,fruits,just about everything that you find in a grocery store today.The really sad part is ,when we (homeless) tried to partake of some of this "garbage"9 out of 10 times we were chased away.One of the biggest grocery stores in California wasted more edible food that you could imagine.But, not to worry,they pass the loss down to you,the consumer.It is true that most homeless people are drunks and addicts.But,not all.Some are'nt crazy when they first start living on the streets,but after a while,the fact of being a "nobody",invisable to everyone,it tends to drive some to the brink.I met quite a few people in my many travels and even I got to the edge of insanity.To live in one of the richest nations on earth,and in the nations "food basket" and starving?To not have a roof over your head?To be ostrasized because of what you don't have?In the next few weeks I'll tell you of some of the people I met and the adventure I had in trying to just survive.Maybe,just maybe it might change your attitude about being "homeless"

VITAMINS ,THEY DO WORK

Alot has been written the last 20 years or more about healthy living and eating.I've never been worried about what I put into my body.I always ate pretty healthy,except for my addiction to Pepsi.As a young girl I ate very well.My father worked at a Dairy,so fresh Dairy items were always available as I was growing up.I can honestly say that my father made sure his children ate well.We butchered all of our own meat.Atypical lunch for my 4 brothers and I would be BLT's.I ate tons of yogurt as a kid.So,as I said earlier,I never really worried about eating healthy.In the 60's and 70's we did'nt hear about cholesterol or triglicrides.Not until the late 80's and 90's did I learn that what I ate as a child should have killed me.I know that I have survived BECAUSE of how I ate as a child.I've never been big on taking vitamins except when I was pregnant with my last child.Because I could'nt eat as well as I knew I should,I compensated by tken quite a few vitamins,every morning,without fail.My son weighed in at a healthy 8lbs.6oz..Now that I'm in my middle 40's and in poor health,I've begun to suppliment my food intake with vitamins and minerals.Most of the vitamins are for my heart,Omega3 (fish oil),biotin,zinc,C,B12,calcium and a multi vitamin.I take the fish oil and a supplement for my blood pressure 3x"s a day.And to be perfectly honest,I missed a day a couple of weeks ago,and I felt it.Ok,you might say it's all in my mind.One day without and she's feeling it?She's crazy!?No,I'm not crazy,I just know that this vitamins are helping my body.I also believe that my heart is benifitting as well as my blood pressure.I take melatoin at night if I'm unable to sleep,so,vitamins and herbs have become the new therapy for me.In todays world anyone of the many drugs we take for pain,heart ect.are half the time worse than going without.The drug companies are out for profit,we as consumers should be able to say "no" to all the different drugs that are prescribed for the smallest thing.We are a pill popping society.Why not try something different?Like trying to stop the illness BEFORE it gains a foot hold on to our body.So far the vitamins and minerals are working for me and until such time that they stop,I'm not going to look for any other types of medication.

FINDING HAPPINESS AGAIN

When my husband died I did'nt think that my life could be worth living again.I had finally found the person I was meant to be with,and after only 5 yrs. together,he dies of multipule organ failure.We both lnew that the end was'nt too far away,but when it does happen you are NEVER prepared for it.I'd lost people close to me before,but nothing prepared me for his death.Even now,today,talking and writing about it hurts just as much as it did the day of his death.I spent almost all this time in deep depression,his death was the first in a long line of calamaties in my life.I was hit by a car,I came home to find my roommate dead,and my dog died.Everytime I 'd pick myself up,and start to feel some what normal,whatever that means,and BOOM!! It would be another death or accident.In the final month of 2006,I'd had about all I could take.The constant and unpredictable bouts of tears,on the bus,in a store ect.I went to the animal shelter,I'd always had dogs as a kid,and I'd read that dogs were said to help people with lonliness and depression.I found 5lb. Gracie-girl at the moment I brought her home,my whole life changed.I started to actually smile,and the tears were'nt coming as much.Gracie is 30lbs. now,and she makes everyday an adventure.I've had her fixxed and she has the micro-chip in her just in case she gets lost.But,I don't see that happening,I keep her in my sights all the time.She is a house dog,and yes,she sleeps at the foot of my bed.Gracie has done more for me than the medications and all the doctors.I've got happiness back in my life.