Learning to live WITHOUT

I'm already on the verge of COPD.I've already had a few instant's of not being able to breathe.And it's the worst feeling in the worl.You try to catch you breathe,try to take a deep breathe and when it does'nt happen,it literally scares you senseless.I have'nt had an attack in well over 3mos.But,I do have a inhaler with me at all times.I'm not going to get dependent on it.The best thing for me to do is,QUIT smoking.And as of this point in time,24hrs.,I have not had one cigrette and I honestly don't want one.I am tired,so,I'll probably go in and take a nap in a little while.I just want to be able to walk and talk without gasping for breathe.Besides the fact that it's costing me 6.00 everyday for a pac a smokes.And my daughter is bumming off me,yesterday she smoked my last cigerrette.I was pretty ticked off, you NEVER, take anyones last smoke.So,that's another reason I'm giving ttit up.5-6$$ everyday is just too damn much,and she never buys a pack,I'm the one spending the money.I want to spend my money on better things.

Lost in a Crowd

It's not east to always stand out in a crowd.Personally I detest crowds,I get very uptight,and I tend to panic.I've just always liked to be around people I know and trust,I'm able to be myself at those times.After I was hit by a car 2yrs. ago,I could'nt even walk out of my house,it was just to much for me.I tried to push myself to do things that were way out of my comfort zone.One thing that came out of the car accident was my total rejection of drugs.I t just was'nt appealing to me anymore.I have yet to make ant friends,but that is due to my inabity to trust.I'm working on it,it's just going to take it slow.Most of the time I just sit in the house and dream.It's a work in progrees.

LOST IN THE CROWD

All my life I have struggled to remain lost in the crowd,most because of the eye defect I was born with.It looks like a lazy eye,but in reality it is caused by paraleized muscles in y right eye.As a child I was of course,teased to tears.One boy in paticular made it his life goal to make me feel retarded and ugly.His name was Brian and he was in my 7grade homeroom.I really tried to avoid him but this "monster"would go out of his way to insult me and he would make sure that he had an audience.I had such a complex about my eye,that I would walk around the hallways around school with my head down and a very mean look on my face.Up until that point in my life I had no clue that one humanbeing could be so cruel and heartless.He still lives in this community,but from news programs I've learned that he is still harrassing people.So, he has learnsd nothing.I let him and quite a few others almost totally destroy my life.They convinced me I was ugly and abnormal.But luckily for me,I grew up and out of there thoughts and words of me.They are all losers now,"what goes around,comes around.I can say that my life is happy.I doubt they can say the same abut there's

Learning to live on the streets

You would think that it would be oh so easy to live on the streets.Living on the streets means no ATM card,hell,no bank account at all.No bathroom,washing machine,and definitly no T.V..You are out in the elements.So,it's best to find a hiding place,somewhere you can go to rest and relax without the fear of a cop walking up on you or a store owner calling in on you.I always found a spot by the freeway,plenty of trees and bushes,you can usually clean out all the dead leaves and make yourself invisable in the trees.I use to hang my food from one of the trees,if you left it on the ground ants would take over in a matter of minutes.One night I was awakened at 3or 4am by an oppossum in the tree where I'd hung my food.That animal kept me awake until sunrise.No,he never got the food but it was'nt from lack of trying.After that I learned to leave a few rolls and pieces of bread away from my 'camp".I was never afraid to sleep out alone.I never,and this is a major rule,let anyone know where you sleep.It" just not done,and it's a no-no to ask.

The Pity Look

What the pity look is for a homeless person is ,being filthy,unshaven,torn and loose clothing.I will admit that on some days I would look worse than others.You've seen the homeless help signs,I did it,and it was very profitable at times.At first I'll admit I was reluctant to stand on the corner of a major street,holding a sign that begged for money and or food.But,it only took one time,when I got 160.00 for one car.Not all days were like that,but more than most.At first I thought that it was because I was a female,not so.Alot of the guys "flying"signs would also make out pretty well on most days.The "pity" look did not work very well for me,it seemed the dirtier I was the less cash I recieved.On those days that I "hit"big,I'd take off ,leave the scene.I t was considered bad karma to stay at a place you recieved a generous hit,and try for more money.Things generally went downhill for me if I tried to be greedy.It only took one time to show me that you give thanks for the great amount of money and take a long break.I always prayed before I went out,and I always gave thanks for my windfall.I remeber one day having one of my bad days.I had been standing at a freeway exit for over an hour and still had not gotten a dollar,traffic was building up for the 5pm rush hour,about 20 cars back I saw a hand wave to me,when I got up to the car,an asian man opened his wallet and gave me everything.You NEVER count your money out in traffic or on the street,you find a place to have privacy.I had seen a few one;s,so I was figuring 15 or20 dollars.It was 258.00.I was able to rest for 2days and buy food and a pair of good tennis shoes.

Where do I sleep ?

When I first became homeless it was to say the least,a little frightening.I had no idea what living on the streets entailed.I knew that I needed to find a safe place to sleep,somewhere hidden and off the beaten path.There were'nt too many women in the area of town that I deceided to stay in.In the town that I live in the freeway runs right thru the middle ,it seemed to me that sleeping amoung the tree's right off of the freeway would be safe.I could become invisable in all the different bushes and trees.You could make a "cubby hole" in these bushes,and be hidden from view.I quickly got use to the constant traffic noise,I could handle anything,I felt safe.I had my own bedroll,my backpac with some clothes and my hygiene items.Most of the homeless in my area were men.And in order to let them all know that I was not to be bothered,I refused to strike up a friendship on the first several meetings,I wanted to draw that "line",that told them I was not afraid or intimidated by anyone.I think because of this tactic,the friendships I did cultivate were based on a mutual respect.I was a woman,but even though I was homeless,I did not let myself "go".Water is everywhere,and a bar of soap is only 75 cents.Most of the guys stay dirty for the pity effect.Not because they wanted to be dirty.

Do You Recoil At The Sight Of A Homeless Person?

Not all of us are lucky enough to have family that genuinly cares about them.I lived on the streets for over 7yrs. so,I think I'm able to comment on this subject with some authority.I chose to live on the streets because I felt that it would be preferrable to living under someone else roof and all that goes with it.I have always valued my freedom,and being on the streets gave me that freedom.I have seen first hand the waste that goes on.Supermarkets throwing out foods that could have fed a couple of families daily.Bread,muffins,donuts,veggies,fruits,just about everything that you find in a grocery store today.The really sad part is ,when we (homeless) tried to partake of some of this "garbage"9 out of 10 times we were chased away.One of the biggest grocery stores in California wasted more edible food that you could imagine.But, not to worry,they pass the loss down to you,the consumer.It is true that most homeless people are drunks and addicts.But,not all.Some are'nt crazy when they first start living on the streets,but after a while,the fact of being a "nobody",invisable to everyone,it tends to drive some to the brink.I met quite a few people in my many travels and even I got to the edge of insanity.To live in one of the richest nations on earth,and in the nations "food basket" and starving?To not have a roof over your head?To be ostrasized because of what you don't have?In the next few weeks I'll tell you of some of the people I met and the adventure I had in trying to just survive.Maybe,just maybe it might change your attitude about being "homeless"

VITAMINS ,THEY DO WORK

Alot has been written the last 20 years or more about healthy living and eating.I've never been worried about what I put into my body.I always ate pretty healthy,except for my addiction to Pepsi.As a young girl I ate very well.My father worked at a Dairy,so fresh Dairy items were always available as I was growing up.I can honestly say that my father made sure his children ate well.We butchered all of our own meat.Atypical lunch for my 4 brothers and I would be BLT's.I ate tons of yogurt as a kid.So,as I said earlier,I never really worried about eating healthy.In the 60's and 70's we did'nt hear about cholesterol or triglicrides.Not until the late 80's and 90's did I learn that what I ate as a child should have killed me.I know that I have survived BECAUSE of how I ate as a child.I've never been big on taking vitamins except when I was pregnant with my last child.Because I could'nt eat as well as I knew I should,I compensated by tken quite a few vitamins,every morning,without fail.My son weighed in at a healthy 8lbs.6oz..Now that I'm in my middle 40's and in poor health,I've begun to suppliment my food intake with vitamins and minerals.Most of the vitamins are for my heart,Omega3 (fish oil),biotin,zinc,C,B12,calcium and a multi vitamin.I take the fish oil and a supplement for my blood pressure 3x"s a day.And to be perfectly honest,I missed a day a couple of weeks ago,and I felt it.Ok,you might say it's all in my mind.One day without and she's feeling it?She's crazy!?No,I'm not crazy,I just know that this vitamins are helping my body.I also believe that my heart is benifitting as well as my blood pressure.I take melatoin at night if I'm unable to sleep,so,vitamins and herbs have become the new therapy for me.In todays world anyone of the many drugs we take for pain,heart ect.are half the time worse than going without.The drug companies are out for profit,we as consumers should be able to say "no" to all the different drugs that are prescribed for the smallest thing.We are a pill popping society.Why not try something different?Like trying to stop the illness BEFORE it gains a foot hold on to our body.So far the vitamins and minerals are working for me and until such time that they stop,I'm not going to look for any other types of medication.

FINDING HAPPINESS AGAIN

When my husband died I did'nt think that my life could be worth living again.I had finally found the person I was meant to be with,and after only 5 yrs. together,he dies of multipule organ failure.We both lnew that the end was'nt too far away,but when it does happen you are NEVER prepared for it.I'd lost people close to me before,but nothing prepared me for his death.Even now,today,talking and writing about it hurts just as much as it did the day of his death.I spent almost all this time in deep depression,his death was the first in a long line of calamaties in my life.I was hit by a car,I came home to find my roommate dead,and my dog died.Everytime I 'd pick myself up,and start to feel some what normal,whatever that means,and BOOM!! It would be another death or accident.In the final month of 2006,I'd had about all I could take.The constant and unpredictable bouts of tears,on the bus,in a store ect.I went to the animal shelter,I'd always had dogs as a kid,and I'd read that dogs were said to help people with lonliness and depression.I found 5lb. Gracie-girl at the moment I brought her home,my whole life changed.I started to actually smile,and the tears were'nt coming as much.Gracie is 30lbs. now,and she makes everyday an adventure.I've had her fixxed and she has the micro-chip in her just in case she gets lost.But,I don't see that happening,I keep her in my sights all the time.She is a house dog,and yes,she sleeps at the foot of my bed.Gracie has done more for me than the medications and all the doctors.I've got happiness back in my life.