Being a Mother and being a Grandmother

I had my first child at 16 years old.I was'nt sure who her father was,I have a suspicion of who it is,but no proof since the man has been dead do to drug and alchol abuse for at least 5+years.And yes,it is one of the many things my eldest holds against me.My next child,3 years later was a girl from my future husband.His reaction was to break everything he could,including the TV,denying it was his.For the next 9 mos I lived a life of a battered woman.He was out screwing anything and anyone he could.Did I mention he was 12 years older than I?He was on parole so he had to test,he would drag himself home to dry out,which I would wait on him hand and foot so that he would give a clean test to the parole dept.Why did he stay with me?Easy money,he had me trained to do what ever he wanted.He was working,made good money,but NOT ONCE did he contribute to raising our kids.I used my welfare money to keep a roof over my head and my babies clothed and fed.I could not depend on him.When I was 13,two weeks before my 14th birthday,I ran away from home.That same night I was being sold to Mex nationals in the labor camps.I never saw any of that money.I thought I loved this man,and in that thought process,he took advantage and beat me,total control was his thing.My 3rd pregnancy was met with the total oppisite reaction of my second.He was elated.More welfare money!When my first son was born I could not accept the nurses insistance that yes,it was a boy.Someone to carry on his fathers name.Where was he?At a bar,screwing another woman.He did bring dead flowers to the hospital 3 days later.I kept giving chances.Believing that someday,if I was patient enough he would love me as much as I loved him.I had lost hope,so when he decided to become the faithful husband and father,it was too late.I refused to marry him.I got an ultimatum of if I did not agree to marry him,then there was no reason to stay together.My first reaction was ,"fine,leave".But,I had 2 kids and was expecting another.So,I agreed.My father,who means everything to me,boycotted the wedding.After our marriage and the birth of our son,I honestly thought we would make it with living a Christian life.It did not last.# mos after my son was born,drugs became a important part of my life.I started working the streets.He would stay home to watch the kids.I became the sole support.I got pregnant again,I knew this was not his child,but he insisted I put his name one the birth certificate.I lost my 4 oldest children because he could not stay out of jail/prison long enough to ensure Childrens services did not place them away from each other.My children were extremely close.I finally went to prison,on and off for 10 years.I had 2 more children in custody.A daughter at CIW and a son at the jail ward of my local hospital.Having my children taken away from me made something snap inside me.I don't have relationships with two of my oldest children.My 3rd and 4th child from that marriage have forgiven me for all the mistakes I have made.My last two Children are the closest I am to any of my children.And even though I have quite a few grandchildren,my youngest daughters little girl has opened my ability to want to become close to someone again.My health is failing,but I am going to make sure that this one beautiful child remembers me after I am gone.My daughter has made a complete 180 since having this miracle.She has made me so very proud to be her mother.Nothing can break the bond of mother and child.