The Minutes before Dawn

I often wonder when it was that I finally became comfortable in my own skin.It was a huge step for me.I was born with a paralyzed right eye.It is always mistaken for a lazy eye.But,that is not what is wrong with my eye.I have no control over how or where it moves,so you may think I am looking at you,when I am not.I can only imagine what it looks like to others.I know what I've been called because of it,"one eyed,popeye,cyclops",now that was a devestating one.I was called names and treated like an alien in jr. high and high school.I often wonder if my mother knew or even cared about the kids calling me names,making me feel like I did not matter.She had to of known,but she did nothing.She never said,hey,it's okay.Your eye does'nt matter.You matter.I never got those words of encouragment,words I so badly needed.As crazy as it sounds I think she was embarrassed of me.When I had'nt seen her in almost 20 years,I went to Texas to see her,after 3 days on the train,I arrived.There were no hugs,no murmured words of caring or of missing me,no.The first thing she said was,"your eye has gotten worse"then she turned her back and walked off.I should have stayed on the train.I stayed for 2 weeks,she did not take me anywhere.Not out to dinner,not sightseeing...nothing.What do you do when your own mother refuses to love you or accept you?You go on.It took years to obtain my self esteem,to be able to look in the mirror and say,"Iam beautiful",smart,funny,and worth living.I became strong,independent,sure of myself.I refused to let people hurt me,or bring me down.I forgave my mother.She should be pitied,not hated.She does not matter in my life.Once I forgave her,a huge weight lifted off of me.I was free,no longer a prisoner to the pain,neglect and abuse she once controlled me with.I see her for who she really is,and I think that scares her.I'm almost 50 now.And I have learned to have compassion,respect,and forgiveness.I keep my mindfree ofhatred,anger and negativity.I am happy with my life,I am still growing,and that is joy in itself.I have Gracie,my dog,a roof over my head,food,water,what else do I need?Most important of all I have my faith and the sense that I'm doing the right thing today.